As I look back and ponder on the life as how I perceive it…
I see someone who needed guidance and discipline. A young girl with abundant dreams and hopes of being “someone” had fallen through the cracks.
Lost in a world where the world was much bigger than her. Where invisibility was more apparent than she was or imagined it could be. She desperately needed attention and sought it out anywhere that she can achieve it. Even in the mist of dark and murky places where no one would ever in their right mind would visit.
She found what she was looking for…
She was greeted by lust, greed, and empty promises. She was overwhelmed by this unfamiliar territory yet she felt as if she had been there before. Welcoming her with open arms.
She embraced every minuet of this feeling of ecstasy. She LOVED it!
She was invincible and powerful! Nothing can stop her from the feeling of doubt or regret. She was“SOMEBODY”!
On a path of self-destruction, she was blinded by the substances and entertainment of this social HIGH. She neglected to see that reflection of her image is beyond recognizable. She has evolved into this alter ego that family and friends could not recognize.
Trapped in a house of mirrors where the images looking back were fictional and yet she neglected to see the reality of the life that she had chosen. It was just the exterior of this mirage that she painted in her head.
She was “SOMEBODY”!
The little voice inside of her started to make her presence be known. The once innocent lost girl started to speak up. “Somebody” sat there quietly and listened to this forgotten yet familiar voice.
Once the sound had diminished and the familiar voice had stopped, she looked up at her reflection in the mirror. “Who is that looking back at me?” She thought to herself.
Reality slowly crept in like a shadow in a cold wintry night. The aftermath of this tragic lifestyle that she had lived decided to bear its ugly face! The painting of thousands of pins and needles piercing through a cloak that was once white as snow. A cloak she wore when she was INVISIBLE was now tainted by remorse, guilt, and regrets.
Feeling trapped and desperate to get off this hamster wheel that she had treaded for years was seeking absolution to the dilemma that she had created and found herself in. As this world had no time and stood still, the rest of the world turned and evolved without her. Only holding onto the status that she sought to achieve was no achievement at all she realized.
“SOMEBODY” wanted to be “nobody” again.
Invisible. Uneventful. Plain.
She just wanted to be…
She clawed and fought to regain her life as it once was, but with much struggle she did not succeed. And with full force she resorted back to her unstable destructive lifestyle and drowned herself in her sorrows.
This time it was different.
This time she knew it was not at all glamorous as she once thought it to be.
With a heavy heart she just gave up. The life that she knew was short of any meaningful purpose.
She was defeated.
As she slowly kneeled down to lie in the bed that she had made for herself in the midst of the darkness, something strange had happened.
A small light was shinning through and overcoming the thick layer of selfless worth, misery, and regret that has hovered over her.
Gradually the small light that appeared to be far distant got bigger and bigger.
Brighter and brighter.
Closer and closer.
Eventually all you can see is absolutely nothing as the light was empowering and was so bright for her visual capability.
Finally the darkness had diminished, yet nothing was visible to her eyes!
She was left with a “feeling”. Sense of “a Presence”.
She knew in her heart that all is forgiven as she was given a second chance! To undo the ONE thing that had bothered her the most.
The inner demon that she fought within.
She wasn’t “SOMEBODY” or a “nobody”.
a “WIFE”… a “MOTHER”… a”DAUGHTER”... a “SISTER”… a “FRIEND”…
and most importantly…
A “CHILD OF GOD“!
She was touched by HIS grace, love, and mercy!
As the chapters in her life continues to grow and evolve like the rest of the world, she is left with this overwhelming insight that is so-called “life”.
The process to forgive and love herself again will be a constant struggle on a daily basis. Her strength and comfort will have to come from within with the help from HIM.
The process to forgive and love herself again is going to be a constant struggle.
Not everyone will be blessed by the gift of life and/or get second chances.
She was very fortunate.
Life is what YOU make of it so make it count!
She IS …
Life isn’t all about where we have been or where we are right now. What really matters in our life is where we are actually heading. The truth of the past does not define who we are as an individual but a learning curve. The past molds us as the people we are today and who we are going to be in the future. I had to embrace who I was to love myself today. We are always our worst critic and have a hard time letting things go. I am still learning to love myself daily and it is a hard battle I am still struggling with. My inner demons won’t let me move on sometimes, but I am sure with God’s love and mercy I will overcome my struggles.